EXACTLY HOW : N.S.an(INSANE) MINISTRY

I HAVE MADE MANY CHOICES TO MAKE MYSELF A PAVEMENT THROUGH LIFE,  WHAT I THOUGHT WAS RIGHT , WAS WRONG; AND NOW ALL I SEE IS STRIFE.  IT SEEMS EVERY PATH I TAKE BRINGS ME BACK TO WHERE I ALREADY WAS; JUST SPINNING MY WHEELS,  I AM TRYING TO BE POSIYIVE, BUT DOWN IS HOW I DEFINITELY FEEL.  I HAVE LOTS TO LOOK BACK ON, BUT NOTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO,  SO I DWELL ON THE PAST, WHAT ELSE IS A TROUBLED MIND TO DO?  I HAD EVERYTHING I WANTED... YET STILL WANTED EVERYTHING I SAW,  IT TOOK LOSING EVERYTHING... THEN LOOKING FROM THE OUTSIDE IN, TO RECOGNIZE THIS FLAW.  NOW IT SEEMS ALL I DO IS SIT... MAD, REMINISE, AND GET HIGH TO TRY TO BLOK THE PAIN,   ALONE, LONELY, BITTER, ANGRY, AND SO-SO UPSET AT MYSELF,  GOT MY BLOOD PRESSURE UP FROM STRESS AND THOUGHTS OF SUISIDE KEEP TAUNGHTING AT MY HEALTH.  IN THE END, ALL THAT I DID I KAN BLAME NOONE ELSE.  I PRAYED AND PRAYED FOR BLESSINGS TO BE SENT,  BUT I DIDNT REALIZE I HAD THEM TIL THEY WERE ALREADY SPENT.  I HAVE WASTED OVER HALF MY LIFE SLANGIN, BANGIN, BALLIN ON TOP,  DIDNT EVEN FEEL MYSELF SLIDE BEFOR I DROPPED.  EVEN NOW I SIT HERE TRYING TO FIGURE  OUT WHAT IT ALL MEANS,  WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO GET OUT OF WHAT THE FUK IVE DONE AND SEEN?  DOES IT ALL HAVE A PURPOSE? WAS IT ALL FOR A MUTHA FUKIN REASON?  DEAR GOD HELP ME!.. IM SO TIRED OF FEELING THIS SAME OLD SEASON.  I KNOW GOD HAS A MESSAGE FOR HIDDEN SOMEWHERE,  THIS IS NOT WHY HE PUT ME HERE, IT WONT BE LIKE THIS FOREVER... TO THINK DIFFERENT I TRY NOT TO DARE,  (SIGH)... I JUST HOPE I FIND THE MESSAGE WHILE I STILL SEEM TO KARE.  I KNOW HE WOULDNT BRING ME HERE TO LEAVE ME FORSAKE AND FORGOT,  SO I BEG IN MY PRAYERS TO FOR CLEAR EYES TO SEE MY WAY BAK TO THE TOP.  *END*